Ask Stoics source guide · Stoic Situations
When You Feel Left Out: A Stoic Perspective
Feeling excluded can be a painful experience, but Stoic philosophy offers a framework for understanding and navigating these emotions. This page explores how our opinions about external events, rather than the events themselves, are the true source of our distress. By examining the nature of our judgments, we can cultivate a more resilient and tranquil mind, regardless of external circumstances.
On this page you will get a clear explanation, a way to examine the idea, exact evidence from public-domain Stoic texts, and links for continuing the study.
The Role of Opinion in Exclusion
Our feelings of being left out stem not from the external act of exclusion itself, but from our opinions about that act. It is our judgment that being excluded is a bad thing, or that it diminishes our worth, which causes distress.
Epictetus explains that "to every man the cause of his acting is opinion." Similarly, our emotional reactions are driven by our opinions, not by the external events that trigger them. Changing our opinion can change our experience. This applies to feelings of exclusion as well.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 3.9; Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
Distinguishing External Events from Internal Judgments
An invitation, or lack thereof, is an external event. It is not inherently good or bad. Our distress arises when we attach a negative judgment to this external event, such as believing it reflects poorly on us.
The Stoic practice involves recognizing that the power to disturb us lies within our own minds. We can choose to withhold assent from judgments that cause us pain, thereby maintaining our inner tranquility even when others act in ways we dislike.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 3.9; Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
The Nature of Mental Disturbances
Cicero describes mental disturbances as a motion of the mind, either devoid of reason, or in despite of reason, or in disobedience to reason. Feelings of being left out often fall into this category, being an irrational response to an external event.
These perturbations are excited by an opinion of either good or evil. When we feel left out, it is often because we hold an opinion that being included is a great good, and being excluded is a great evil, leading to emotional turmoil.
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
Friendship and Its Value
While friendship is highly valued, as Epicurus states, nothing is more important, more influential, or more delightful than friendship, its presence or absence should not dictate our inner peace.
The Stoics would agree that genuine connection is beneficial, but they would also emphasize that our well-being is not dependent on the actions or invitations of others. Our happiness is an internal state.
Sources: Cicero, On Ends 1.20
Cultivating Inner Resilience
Instead of seeking validation from external sources like invitations, focus on cultivating your own character and virtue. This internal strength is impervious to the whims of others.
By understanding that our opinions are the root cause of our distress, we gain the power to change our reactions. We can choose to view exclusion as an indifferent external event, rather than a personal slight.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 3.9; Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
Moving Forward with Equanimity
When you feel left out, pause and examine the opinion that is causing your discomfort. Is it a rational judgment, or an emotional reaction to an external event?
By consistently applying this practice, you can reduce the impact of external slights and maintain a state of equanimity, recognizing that your worth is not determined by the social engagements of others.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 3.9; Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
What the primary texts say
These excerpts keep their work and exact locator so you can check the claim in context rather than accepting a detached quotation.
“For to every man the cause of his acting is opinion. For what is the reason why you desired to be elected governor of the Cnossians? Your opinion. What is the reason that you are now going up to Rome? Your opinion.”
“The whole cause, then, is in opinion; and this observation applies not to this grief alone, but to every other disorder of the mind, which are of four sorts, but consisting of many parts.”
“That of all the things which wisdom has collected to enable man to live happily, nothing is more important, more influential, or more delightful than friendship.”
Frequently asked questions
Why do Stoics say my opinion causes my distress?
Stoics believe that external events are indifferent. It is our judgment or 'opinion' about these events that determines our emotional response. If we judge being left out as bad, we suffer. If we judge it as indifferent, we do not. This is explained by Epictetus and Cicero.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 3.9; Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
Does this mean I shouldn't value friendship?
No, friendship is highly valued. Epicurus states that "nothing is more important, more influential, or more delightful than friendship." However, your inner peace should not be dependent on others' actions, even in friendship. Your well-being is an internal state.
Sources: Cicero, On Ends 1.20
How can I change my opinion about being left out?
Recognize that the act of exclusion is an external event, not inherently good or bad. Your distress comes from your judgment of it. By consciously choosing to view it as indifferent, you can prevent it from disturbing your mind, as Cicero explains.
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
What is a 'disorder of the mind' in Stoicism?
Cicero describes a disorder of the mind as a motion of the mind, either devoid of reason, or in despite of reason, or in disobedience to reason. These are irrational emotional responses, often stemming from opinions about good or evil.
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
Continue with Ask Stoics
Bring one of these source-grounded questions into the app:
- How do I identify the specific opinion causing my distress when I feel left out?
- What is the Stoic view on seeking external validation from others?
- Can Stoicism help me improve my social relationships?
- How can I practice distinguishing between external events and my judgments about them?