Ask Stoics source guide · Stoic Situations
When You Miss Someone
Missing someone is a natural human experience, often accompanied by a sense of loss or longing. Stoic philosophy offers a framework for understanding these feelings, not by denying affection, but by examining our relationship to what is absent. This approach helps us to distinguish between what is within our control and what is not, allowing us to engage with our emotions thoughtfully and constructively. By reflecting on the nature of love and attachment, we can find a path to enduring connection.
On this page you will get a clear explanation, a way to examine the idea, exact evidence from public-domain Stoic texts, and links for continuing the study.
The Nature of Love and Attachment
Love, in a Stoic sense, is deeply connected to what one earnestly applies oneself to. If one applies oneself earnestly to good things, then one naturally loves those things. This suggests that true love is directed towards what is genuinely good.
Understanding what is good is therefore essential for knowing how to love. Without the ability to distinguish good from bad, and indifferent things from both, one cannot truly possess the power of loving wisely. This applies even to the love for a child. (Epictetus, Discourses 2.22)
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 2.22
Grief and Its Origins
Grief is described as a pain that proceeds from nature, something that presses and gains upon you unavoidably. It is a powerful emotion that can be difficult to resist, even for those who consider themselves wise. (Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29)
The experience of grief can challenge one's own counsel, as seen in the example of Oileus, who comforted another on loss but was broken-hearted by his own son's death. This highlights the natural, often overwhelming, aspect of sorrow. (Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29)
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29
Distinguishing Between Emotions
It is important to distinguish between different forms of emotional pain. For instance, envy is defined as a grief arising from another's prosperous circumstances, which do not injure the person who envies. (Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 4.8)
This distinction helps clarify that not all forms of distress are the same. When one grieves at another's prosperity by which they are injured, it is not properly called envy, but rather a different form of sorrow. (Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 4.8)
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 4.8
The Role of Wisdom in Love
The power to love is ultimately within the capacity of the wise. This is because wisdom enables one to discern what is truly good and worthy of earnest application and affection. (Epictetus, Discourses 2.22)
A wise person understands that their earnest application should be directed towards things that are genuinely good, not towards things that are bad or indifferent. This discernment shapes the nature of their love. (Epictetus, Discourses 2-22-part-1)
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 2.22
Accepting Natural Reactions
Some argue that grief is a natural and unavoidable reaction, suggesting that no one is so mad as to grieve of their own accord. This perspective acknowledges the involuntary nature of certain emotional responses. (Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29)
The argument is that nature is absolutely and wholly irresistible in such matters. This does not mean surrendering to despair, but rather recognizing the inherent human capacity for pain and sorrow. (Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29)
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29
Cultivating Enduring Affection
Even when someone is absent, the affection itself can remain present. The Stoic approach encourages focusing on the internal state of love and appreciation, rather than solely on the external presence of the beloved.
By understanding that love is an earnest application to what is good, one can continue to cultivate that application, even in the absence of the person. This shifts the focus to the enduring value and memory. (Epictetus, Discourses 2.22)
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 2.22
What the primary texts say
These excerpts keep their work and exact locator so you can check the claim in context rather than accepting a detached quotation.
“Whoever then understands what is good, can also know how to love: but he who cannot distinguish good from bad, and things which are neither good nor bad from both, how can he possess the power of loving?”
“Show me the man so well by wisdom taught That what he charges to another's fault, When like affliction doth himself betide, True to his own wise counsel will abide.”
“Enviousness (invidentia), they say, is a grief arising from the prosperous circumstances of another, which are in no degree injurious to the person who envies”
Frequently asked questions
How does Stoicism view the emotion of missing someone?
Stoicism acknowledges the natural pain of grief, but encourages examining the nature of love and attachment. It distinguishes between what is within our control (our judgments and affections) and what is not (the presence of another). (Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29)
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29
Can a Stoic truly love if they are wise?
Yes, a Stoic can truly love. Epictetus states that the power to love is only in the power of the wise, as wisdom allows one to discern what is genuinely good and worthy of earnest application and affection. (Epictetus, Discourses 2.22)
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 2.22
Is grief considered a weakness in Stoicism?
Grief is recognized as a natural pain that proceeds from nature and can be unavoidable. The challenge is not to avoid it entirely, but to respond to it with wisdom and understanding, rather than being overwhelmed. (Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29)
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.29
How can I maintain affection for someone who is absent?
By understanding that love is an earnest application to what is good, you can continue to cultivate that application internally. Focus on the enduring value and memory, rather than solely on their physical presence. (Epictetus, Discourses 2.22)
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 2.22
Continue with Ask Stoics
Bring one of these source-grounded questions into the app:
- How can I distinguish between healthy affection and unhealthy attachment when I miss someone?
- What practices can help me process the natural pain of grief without being consumed by it?
- How do Stoic principles apply to maintaining a connection with someone who is no longer physically present?
- In what ways can I redirect my earnest application to good things when I feel the absence of a loved one?