Ask Stoics source guide · Stoicism and Relationships
Stoicism and People-Pleasing
Stoicism offers a framework for understanding why we might seek external validation and how this pursuit can detract from our inner well-being. The core of Stoic thought emphasizes that our judgments and opinions are the true drivers of our actions and emotional states, not external circumstances or the opinions of others. By focusing on what is within our control, we can cultivate a more resilient and self-sufficient approach to relationships, rather than constantly seeking approval.
On this page you will get a clear explanation, a way to examine the idea, exact evidence from public-domain Stoic texts, and links for continuing the study.
The Role of Opinion in Action
Our actions are fundamentally shaped by our opinions. Whether we pursue a certain goal or avoid a particular situation, it is our internal judgment about what is good or bad that guides us. This applies to all our endeavors.
For instance, the desire to be elected governor or to travel to Rome for a legal suit stems from a specific opinion about the value or necessity of these external outcomes. These opinions dictate our choices.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 3.9
External Approval as an Opinion
Seeking approval from others is itself an opinion that assigns undue value to external reactions. When we prioritize others' praise or fear their disapproval, we are operating under a specific set of beliefs about what constitutes good.
This external focus can lead us away from our own rational judgment. If our opinions are sound, we will fare well; if they are misguided, we will fare poorly, regardless of what others think.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 3.9; Epictetus, Discourses 1.29
The Nature of Good and Bad
From a Stoic perspective, the essence of good and bad resides within our will, not in external circumstances. Our will, when rightly directed, is the source of our good.
Conversely, a perverse or distorted will, often influenced by overvaluing external things like approval, leads to bad. The materials of life are neutral; our opinions about them determine their impact.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 1.29
Disorders of the Mind
Any perturbation or disorder of the mind, such as excessive joy or immoderate desire, arises from an opinion of either good or evil. These are motions of the mind that are devoid of or in defiance of reason.
People-pleasing can be seen as a form of desire, an immoderate inclination after conceived good (approval), which is a disorder of the mind. It stems from an opinion that external validation is a necessary good.
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
Receiving Good from Oneself
A fundamental Stoic law states that if you desire anything good, you must receive it from yourself. This means cultivating an inner source of good rather than relying on external sources.
This principle directly challenges the people-pleasing mindset, which seeks good from others. By internalizing the source of good, one becomes less susceptible to external pressures and opinions.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 1.29
Cultivating Right Opinions
To overcome the tendency to people-please, one must cultivate right opinions. This involves discerning what truly contributes to a good will and what merely distracts or perturbs it.
When opinions about external materials are right, the will becomes good. This internal alignment is the path to well-being, irrespective of whether others approve or disapprove.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 3.9; Epictetus, Discourses 1.29
What the primary texts say
These excerpts keep their work and exact locator so you can check the claim in context rather than accepting a detached quotation.
“For to every man the cause of his acting is opinion. For what is the reason why you desired to be elected governor of the Cnossians? Your opinion.”
“God has fixed this law, and says, “If you would have anything good, receive it from yourself.” You say, “No, but I will have it from another.” Do not so: but receive it from yourself.”
“The whole cause, then, is in opinion; and this observation applies not to this grief alone, but to every other disorder of the mind, which are of four sorts, but consisting of many parts.”
Frequently asked questions
How does Stoicism define 'people-pleasing'?
Stoicism views people-pleasing as an action driven by an opinion that external approval is a good. This leads to a will that is not self-sufficient, but rather dependent on others' reactions.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 1.29
Why is seeking external approval problematic for a Stoic?
Seeking external approval is problematic because it places the source of good outside oneself. The Stoic view is that true good comes from a rightly ordered will and sound opinions, not from others' judgments.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 1.29
What is the Stoic alternative to people-pleasing?
The Stoic alternative is to cultivate right opinions and receive good from oneself. This means focusing on developing a virtuous will and sound judgment, independent of external praise or blame.
Sources: Epictetus, Discourses 1.29
Can people-pleasing be considered a 'disorder of the mind'?
Yes, people-pleasing can be seen as a disorder of the mind. It arises from an immoderate inclination after a conceived good (approval), which is a motion of the mind devoid of reason.
Sources: Cicero, Tusculan Disputations 3.11
Continue with Ask Stoics
Bring one of these source-grounded questions into the app:
- How can I identify my own opinions that lead to people-pleasing?
- What practices can help me cultivate a will that is independent of others' approval?
- How do I distinguish between genuine care for others and seeking their validation?
- What does it mean to 'receive good from myself' in daily interactions?